I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
