just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
