You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
