i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Randomize
