Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
