Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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