No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
