I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize