my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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