watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
