No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?