I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
