So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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