nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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