just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
