just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
