Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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