I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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