If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
3 2 1 whiskey
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
