She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Are my feet made of real feet?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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