I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
