I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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