We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
