i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he shaved USA in his pubs
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My feet surprised me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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