Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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