i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
