I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
