I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
