Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
