So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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