i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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