Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
