somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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