Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
