She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
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I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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