I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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