I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
