I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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