So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
