I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
