you have to choose: penises or morals?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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