I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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