just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she woke up with a sticky ear
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
