dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
