So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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