She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
