I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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