Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
