I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
