dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
