My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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