How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
