I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
