I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
