A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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