final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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